A collection of groaners.....

[Mark_1984]

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes
to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist
friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

[thewoodengraver]

LOL
Ummm...'scuse me, but I have a small electrical fire going in my keyboard because of you...(should have swallowed my coffee before reading).

[cgutzmer]

Those are super! I am gonna crack the family up at dinner time tonight
Chris

[dansls1]

Pretty good - and surprisingly I'd only heard 2 of the 10 before.

[rockpaperscissor]

Thanks Mark, those are really punny. A couple of them are only 2/3rds of a pun though: PU (rimshot)